Dead end
When I was looking for a job after graduation, I once said to my friend visiting me: would it be awesome to have a job in sillicon valley, have my own apartment, and live alone? Now that's exactly my situation. The only difference is I am not happy. I have made thus far, where should I go? Given visa freedom, I would have quitted my job right about now and do something crazy. But I can not. What is the alternative? Can I go to my VP, tell him: look, I don't think I am a great teamworker neither am I easily motivated by something that I am not passionate with. What should I do? I want to ask them, what is your passion. I do not believe all these men and women are passionate about their jobs in our company. They are friendly with each other and try to make each other's life easier and marrier. But I am not one of those people. If I am not enthusiastic about something, I will write that on my face: everyone can see. What can I do with my personality, my too strong a personality?
Traffic "school"
Alerm clock didn't wake me up on time, when I opened my eyes, it was 15 minutes before 9am. I will be late for work for sure. I had that thoughts of avoiding the so called "analyst day" on our corporate campus, which is today. Basically it's a day for I-bank analysts to have whatever impression of our public image. I am sure I would bump into some alumni, which I am not enthusiastic about it at all in this circumstances. And I got this ticket thing in my mind since Jan. 28, 2004!! The amount is, now, $400. I am kind of numb to it now. After cops abuse ticketing system in my opinion. Naturally, Suprior court only open twice a week for total 4 hours for instant hearing, which on Tuesday and Thursday between 8 am and 10 am.
...
Finally I managed to beat the traffic arriving the hall of justice on time, only to find the best option is to pay this damn fine, otherwise my driver's license would have stayed being suspended, which I didn't even know. They told me my change of address only took effect on my DMV record, not on my registration, so the notification of suspension must have gone to my previous address. Is this the most unbelievable lie or not? Traffic departments are not communicating?
I then, drove my tired ass to City Hall where clerks work in the bright and spectacular palace like building, collecting money. While I was waiting in line, lot of tourists and kids were taking the tour: looking at City Hall, you will never figure out it actually functions beyond a tour spot. In this case, it actually generates revenue!
I made the payment, $400 for a ticket where I took a wrong turn 10 months ago, on the way to a performance dancing class where I suppose to share my idea with others.
Mom, dad, I am coming home
Where is my home? Is it here, or back there where my parents live? All these year's travel confused me about my identity. One night, I had a dream when something happend and I had no one to turn to: Not a single friend, relatives, family member here in the entire states where I can turn to. Old friends back home drifted away, new friends in the wild wild west are not close enough. I was jogging the other day on coleman, it was dark, quiet. Then I saw this full window of orange lights in the foliage, it looked so bright, alone, out of nowhere, just like the light house off shore somewhere of some nameless pacific island, it is the only one who stands and believes someday, storm will come and it will guide some strangers back home to unify with their families. That was the window of my room: my study and bedroom, my only space deep in this wild wild west.
Here comes the Autumn, maybe orange is the color to make myself warmer, less alone. I had a few friends over, close friends. As we were chatting up, I scanned through everyone's face, who can be my real friend whom I can turn to when I need them the most?
Days after the party, I often ask myself the same questions over and over. It makes me appreciate friendship. QQ just went down to Tij to get his visa for visiting back home. How long have I been away from my aging Mom and Dad? What have I done for them since I was out in college? It's been more than 10 years that I remember I have ever lived with them. What do they look like now? Are there more white hair? Many of my childhood buddies are just becoming new parents, I can never forget the way they look at their new born babies. Everyone is living for something and looking for someone to complete that. Seeing all these people around me loving only leaves me sad. For how many time in my life, I looked out somewhere for love where the deepest love is one generation but one deep ocean away? Mom and Dad, I am coming home for you. It will be a surprise.
School does
Before going into great detail about how I ended up being admitted by Stanford a year later, rising from the misery of being "rejected" by Geogia, it's important to recall why I applied to those schools I chose. Speak of the style, we know Harvard, Yale, Princeton are known for being tough, uptight, Stanford being highly competitive across the board but it's also quite laidback. So school does have personality. You will find it from their students: students from Stanford normally looks casual, maybe a little careless, they often sit on the steps outside their dormplaying guitar or just talking on the cell phone. What aobut Students from Harvard? no way, you will find them talking on the phone while catching a bus, they look uptight, maybe interesting, but a bit aggressive. They don't sit outside their dorm and play guitar in a sunny afternoon. In fact, that's the last thing you may find. That told me something when I applied to schools: Harvard is not my style, since I often appear to be doing nothing. Most importantly I know myself as laid back kind of guy who is very individualistic. I have a rather wide opened interests that allow me to be flexible when it comes to choose career, friends, hobbies. I can not deal with academia. I find a good combination of academic excellency and flexibility in Stanford by reading through her website, students' websites, published materials, and word of mouth. You may ask why not Berkeley? No! Berkeley is a bit too hippy for me, I have a bit of conservativeness inside of me although I can be quite wild. Berkeley is way too liberal, and it has less reputation than Stanford or other top ivy leagues: yes, brand is important to me, I will pay for the brand but I only pay for what I think it worths. Besides, Berkeley is no less tough than Stanford, why should I mistreat myself if I know for sure I am not scholar type of guy? How about Caltech? People might think, man, if you can go to Stanford, you must be genius: NO, wrong! If you go to Caltech, you have much better chance of being a born genius than people like me. My grandfather went to Caltech for his phd, but Caltech is out of my reach. IQ wise, if you have an IQ in between 130 to 160, you are well suited for Stanford, but not Caltech, you need to be above 160. I find MIT intimitating but not as hard as Berkeley to get in, after all, it is still a private school. I applied Dartmouth who rejected me within two weeks. I guess Dartmouth is too "Ivy" for me, much more so than Harvard or Yale. I met some people from Dartmouth, they are super smart but seem not the "cool" type. Harvard boys have that traditionally rich, conservative looks. Yale girls seem to envy Stanford people too much. That's just some impression I had. How come all of a sudden, I have become an all private school type of guy? I do not know, the urge came in strongly after I decided to take GRE to beat second tier schools like Geogia, it just took off without looking back. I guess if some family tradition runs through your mind, it might as well functions unconciously for you. My grandpa's Caltech's phd in physics definetely reminded me that I might be able to do better, although his talent and mine are in different territory. But alas, I found where I belong: Stanford fits me perfectly. If you are facing the dilemma of choosing school, look to yourself first, then look to schools you are interested and do a comparison study, just like choosing others to date: you have to find a compatible one.
Does school have personality?
Just like you and me, school has an identity, character. If you happen to face the dilemma of choosing the right school for you, then think about personality. Let's assume you have less than excellent academic record, but better than being decent, probably top 10 to 15%, but don't cut as genius - like me. But you have dream, you just feel maybe you deserve something better than what your parents and teacher and friends think of you. What will you do? That was exactly what happend to me 6 years ago when University of Geogia refused to take me because of some paperwork. That was not the excuse, trust me, if someone loves you, she/he will accept who you are. If a school believes in you, paperwork, or anything else wouldn't be a problem.
NewMexico desert to Atlanta is a big change, UGA looked more than just gorgeous to me, it was brilliant. Everyone walking in that school seemed like a genius to me. Look at those nice football field, foliage covered avenue, happy students: they have everything. It was so close that I would have belonged to Athens. There was lot of regrets. But I eventually moved on, travelled most part of the country and returned to my Portales' desert campus. Eastern New Mexico University is the first little campus I falled in love with when I was searching through the US college listing from that ranking book's last page, remember what I said in previous blog? It is laid back, has a great faculty, if you pay attention to look. The campus is cozy, everything is cheap. Everyone in our department knows you, including Professor Salter, who got her phd in math from Northwestern. Students are generally from very modest background, most are whites, girls are pretty, all have that sunny, freckled and innocent look. Oh Mindy, the blue eyed blonde from springfield Illinois for whom I falled in love at the first sight, Holly who tutored the James Beckley High's kids with me every sunny afternoon at Clovis, and Rachel, the sexy smarty pant who eventually went to IBM working as a programmer: they lend me countless hints to learn who these American girls are really about. The baseball frat party that I was dragged in by a dormmate in a pouring day and huge baseball players and flertatious looks from those girls behind the drinks: everything left me believe this is the culture I was curious about. That was the personality of ENMU. Days, months and years went by, all my friends eventually moved on to their next goal, I wonder where Mindy is at, and that sunny freshman girl running and jingling through the summer meadows' sprinkle who had a little crush on me. Those days I played guitar, tutored high school kids, and took the van trip to Clovis: that's the culture of Portales, the personality. But people grow, I knew Portales would not be my destination. After returning from UGA, I knew that for sure. But I do not know where I should go. Like a song sings:
...I won't cry for yesterday.
There is an ordinary world somehow I have to find.
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world.
I will learn to survive...
To be continued...
In the process of making
Like every young man out there, I like dreaming about a nice future with career and family sucess. I have yet reached those goal, but I firmly believe in it and work actively toward my goal. I intend to keep this blog a place where people can share their story of success, frustration, sucess again. It should be a closed, profitable loop for everyone if we keep trying, and sharing ideas with each other. If you can comment, please do so, do not look at comment as comment to my writing, rather a place you share related story, ideas with others who might bump into this blog. With that being said, I would like to start with short stories in the past 7 years when I made it from other side of the pacific, to New Mexico, finally to the foot of golden gate bridge. Looking back, I am healthier, happier and full of hope. Living today, my friends.
Conflict is my favorite mistake
People say you can not predict one's success by what he will do, but what he has been doing. Tell me what you eat and I will tell who you are. They all tell same story. Then again, who am I?Everything about me is the combination of two extremes. A month ago, our group went out playing dark glowing mini golf while guys play agaist girls. While everyone else either sucked or kicked ass, I blew out a record of 2 strikes, 6 strikes, 2 strikes, 6 strikes, went on and on like stock market. I wonder whether that has something to do with the blood type, or astrology? I nearly failed college entrance test and survived a most uncompetitive college by weakly beating the margin, but I also scored number 1 in the freshman class to represent her in national mathematics competition. In those days HongKong returned to China, I took biggest airplane in the world taking off from Shanghai to Los Angelas, ended up landing in bug-occupied Lubbock, Texas in a 10 guests propeller, only to find out Subway is not really a subway. If 7 years ago, I didn't understand a "how are you doing" from Northwest's steward, today many people mistaken me as US born and grown up. Yes, I finished another most uncompetitive college in the middle of New Mexico desert, I also graduated from Stanford, paid by her as well. I studied all my life engineering and mathematics, but my raw talent is merely to be me on the big stage of life. I am overall pretty shy, almost never approach girls, but people again mistaken me as male pro club dancer when they see me dancing, I heard over and over from girls that I am one of the best dancer they have been with. Deep down, I don't have any formal dancing training. I am naturally competent on majority sports and brain tweaking, but I could not stand academia. I wonder what my talent is? With such a conflicting soul, I am searching for my meaning. What can I predict? People, do you have similar feeling, sometime?
Live today
Alas, Autumn! I finally sent out my first e-Vite to friends for the coming weekend get together. The temperature is falling, the color is orange, I asked my friends to bring their friends, dates, significant others, and feel free to be scary, horrible and, of course sexy, this is holloween. Don't know for how long, I have become so used to this culture, these people, the high way, the fast food, etc., most time I don't even feel like I have been living in this country for only 7 years, is it alright if I feel it home? Is it alright I am 10000 miles away from my parents? Sometime I am lost, most time I am searching. Do I regret taking the less travelled road? No! Have I lived? I do not know. If windsurfing addicts me, I wonder if it's the speed, the rthym, or sheer joy of crashing into the mighty ocean draws me? I remembered New Mexico, the desert, the tiny town, and nameless school, I lived Palo Alto, the ocean, the palm tree, and the magnificant Stanford. I am still asking: Have I lived? Read on, my friends, this is a journey of 7 years, of a boy and of a man...
